Fucked!

I know what you are thinking non-existant readership...Two posts in 10 days!?!? Holy crap! What can I say, Im a friggin machine!

So after a 12 hour day of dealing with some of the most retarded people on the plannet last night and standing in Seattle's bone chilling rain all day, what did I have the pleasure of coming home to? Was it riches beyond my wildest dreams??? Was it a new puppy that shits $100 dollar bills??? Was it a harem of beautiful sex starved red heads? (time to reign this one in...) No, it wasn't any of those things.

Last night I came home to a flooded apartment. You see, Seattle has been thrashed by a couple of pretty severe weather systems these past few days. We saw snow, 60-80 mph winds, rain, more snow, and then like 5 inches of more rain that melted all the snow and flooded practically all of western washington. Basically the long dick of karma decided to pay a visit to Brown Town, population: Ben. Thank you Seattle's storm. You suck!

As do the Seattle Storm now that I think about it. Im no male chauvinist, who the hell wants to watch a bunch man-like dyked out women who could make Mike Tyson cry like a litte bitch play basketball? If I want that I'll watch roller derby, at least thats entertaining.



I think Lauren Jackson is the only player on the team hot enough to bone. While I would never want to arm wrestle her, at 6'5'' you could climb that Aussie body like a ladder baby! Plus you could have her reach for things on the top shelf and even beat people up for you. The only down side is she is always on top, and probably sometimes even behind. (Notice I didnt make a "down under wonder" joke. And people say I'm not mature.) Buuut I digress...

The flooding ruined my carpeting, destroyed some of my favorite books, (Why did it have to be the Christopher Moore books!?!? Why God? WHHHYYYY!!!!) my VHS copy of Showgirls, (Dont you judge me!) and soaked every single article of clothing I had piled in my closet. I was up untill about 3 am last night doing laundry and shop-vacing away like an under paid mexican maid. And I'm still not finished with it all. Not to mention that I dont have a single day off untill I leave on vacation. Awesome timing Mr. Karma....Wonder who I fucked over. Maybe this is retaliation for my practice of asking the homeless if they could spare any change. Cumon, dont lie! You think thats funny too.

Racist Argentinians and porn references.

Yesterday the receptionist at work asked me if I wanted to take a DP break. Me being my usual zoned out self replied, "Do you mean double penetration? I didnt think you were into that." I never think before I open my mouth. To make matters worse the Prez of the Co decided to walk by at that very moment. "Shit I hope he didnt hear that", says Ben's brain. The look on his face tells me he most definitely did. Double shit. He must have decided to let it go because he started giving me crap about my facial hair situation and how it isnt to company standards. Apparently its all in the manual or something, who knew? Figuring I dont have much to lose at this point, I tell him I am playing Abraham Lincoln in a production about the Civil War and that I just wanted to try and bring a little more authenticity to the role. The look on his face tells me he isnt buying it...Fuck it. I reach way back to the dregs of my high school memory and launch into the meager about of the Gettysberg Address that I can remember. He cuts me off right before I stall out. He finally seems convinced...Thank. The. Fuck. Christ. I mean I really pulled that one outta my ass and I cant believe it seemed to work. I lose it as soon as he leaves.

The other night I was cornered on the street by a homeless Argentinian. Apparently his strategy to score loose change is to tell some of the most off color racist jokes on the planet. I give him a dollar for his efforts. Charity is funny like that. Does this make me a racist? No. If you can laugh at one group, you should be able to laugh at em all, and I do. The moral of the story kiddies...? Aw fuck morals, Futurama is back on!

Anyone?

Does anyone still believe in America? Does anyone still believe in the American Dream?
Are we still the greatest counrty in the world, and if so, for how much longer? Does anyone still have hope? For ourselves, for our future generations? For America in general? What happend to America's founding ideals? When was the turning point? When did we become a nation in decline? Where did it all begin to go wrong??? Do you still have hope?




I think I might...

descent into madness

It hasnt even been 4 hours since my parental units departed on a business trip across the state, but never the less, our house has already decended into madness. Im sitting here in nothing but my tube socks and underwear smoking a cigar and knocking back beers. ACDC is blaring out of the stereo, and my brother is playing air guitar on the kitchen table in nuthin but his whitey tighteys...and heres the horrifying part: every single light in the house is on! MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!

We are officially livin the good life! There is nothin better than a parent free weekend with the house all to yourselves. On the agenda for tomorrow: The 10-10 drinking marathon! Tomorrow from 10am to 10pm my brosif, a few buddies and i will maintain a constant buzz....that and several rounds of beer pong, drunk boxing, kings, and whatever else sounds like a good idea at the time!

Long live the weekend muthafuckas!

stuff ive learned so you dont have to!

Just a list of things ive learned over the years...I know what your thinking, "Ben, everyone does these stupid list style posts...its sooo not cool."

Oh yea? Well fuck you, mommy says im original, funny and handsome too!

...Fuckers

Anyways, on to the crappy list.

-After breaking up with a girl, always, i repeat ALWAYS lock your doors and windows. There is nothing more unsettling, and dare i say more terrifying than being confronted by your psycho ex girlfiend right when you are hopping outta the shower. In fact, keep your doors locked for a solid month just to be on the safe side...

-When in a Costa Rican bank having your American dollars changed to the local currency, never ask the bank teller to, "Mexicanize this mi amigo!" It'll get you kicked out faster than crap goes through a goose.

-Always tip the midget stripper, otherwise be prepared to recieve a flurry of small kicks to the shin.

-If you absolutely have to combine alcohol and snowboarding, make sure to do it on a day with tons of fresh powder. Trust me on this one...

-An easy and foolproof way to get back at a teacher/dick boss/annoying coworker: sign up for a bunch of free gay and beastiality porn sites using their work e-mail address. They'll get those emails till the day they die, or deal with the hassle of changing their email address.

-If you ever get pulled over for speeding, try and convince the officer that you really have to poop. The one time ive tried it, it actually worked. No bullshit. My advice, really ham it up. Go beet red in the face and act short of breath..dont oversell it though!

-When undertaking something nefarious, always have a scapegoat. (preferably someone who doesnt have a firm grasp on the english language...and besides, most people these days naturally distrust foreigners anyways!)

-Its generally a bad idea to get totally shit faced at a Christmas Eve Seahawks game, and then show up Christmas morning still kinda drunk and very hungover. Especially when your family is made up of recovering alcoholics...not to mention the Hawks losing :'(

Entertaining myself at work...*giggles*

Found my missing calculator in my desk, proceded to spell out boobies...laughed

Googled myself...found out I manufacture and sell dijeridoos under the name "Hick's Sticks"

Played the tetris demo on my phone for an hour

Was caught playing the tetris demo on my phone...repetedly

Had my day, nay, my month made when I witnessed the wind blow a hot chicks skirt all the way up...multiple times (2007 is off to a good start)

Using a complex mathamatical equation i came close to disproving the existance of God...gave up when I realized I forgot to carry the 2 a few steps back

Pretended I was Maguyver by flexicufing my hands behind my back and attempting to escape the office...received several wierd looks from co-workers

Answered the phone with an austrailian accent untill I was verbally reprimanded

Destroyed the company bathroom immediatly proir to the president of the companys anfternoon potty break

Comtemplated the consequences of forwarding a memo throughout the office advocating the implementation of a mandatory afternoon "chill out from all the BS work we do" time


ahh sweet sweet productivity!

by the way...this is totally a rip off of the casual friday blog. i was inspired to create my own to see if i could be as funny and as usual...i failed. miserably.

just another day at the office...

RIIINNNG!!! RIIINNNG!!!

Receptionist in background, "Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, juuuust a moment!"
I'm reminded of office space every time the front desk phone rings. "Guest services, this is Ben, and how may I help you?" I repeat that mindless phrase hundreds of times a day. It's so mindless; I've literally answered my cell phone that way. Sometimes I catch myself in time, and all the other times I try and play it off like who ever is calling me has the wrong number. In this day and age of modern communications that never works…ever.

Come to think of it office space is so like my life. I don't know if that should be depressing or not. I mean I sit in an office cubicle for about 9 hours a day doing what almost amounts to nothing. Jack. Didly. Squat. I'm usually running late because of Seattle's horrific traffic conditions. (I refuse to leave at 530 to make it to work by 8. Fuck that noise) I always come up the side staircase so no one sees me sneaking in. It usually isn't a problem, my boss isn't in until around 930 anyways. Ahh the benefits of mid level management! Hopefully one day I will arise to a position of such limited power! Don't get me started on the mediocre health benefits! If only I were so lucky…

Anyways I usually surf the net for a while, and pretty much zone out until lunch. After lunch I like to snag a sales reports binder, open it up in front of me on my desk, put my head in my hand and fall asleep. To the unsuspecting observer I look like I am deeply engrossed in my work. Heh, suckers! It usually takes about 20-30 minutes for me to sleep off lunch. One time I slept for a full hour and a half. When I woke up I had drool hanging from my mouth and forming a puddle on the page I was opened to. Oops! I've never been caught doing this yet, and I'm kinda curious to see how long that will last. Knowing my luck, probably for quite some time.

I think people here are finally starting to figure out what a slacker I really am. Quite frankly im amazed I've kept up the illusion of being a hard worker for so long. I think it probably because im starting to care less and less. Don't get me wrong I actually like my job. Just not when it's so damned slow like this. The onset of the Christmas season should cure this up. Pretty soon ill be cursing my own existence as I work extended hours, photographing uncooperative people in shitty weather. Can you tell how excited I am?

So this totally kept me occupied for a solid half hour…only 54 more minutes till I'm outta this bitch. (Not that I'm counting or anything)

mindless ramblings of a sleep deprived idiot

Its late. I'm tired. I have to get up early tomorrow. I'm blasting music in an empty house. There is no one else here but me. Where is everyone? I seriously have no idea where my family is. Ahh communication at its finest.Odds are this situation is being played out in millions of homes across America. Aren't we just the perfect model of George Bush's Christian conservative family values? The functionality of disfunctionality continually amazes me.

Speaking of politics, as I'm typing this I'm seeing bulletins crop up about how great it is that the democrats are regaining control in the House and the Senate. Wow, who gives a shit? I fucking don't. As far as I'm concerned they are gunna fuck shit up just as bad as the republicans did, just in a different way. There isnt much difference between the two parties either. The way I see it democrats are just spineless republicans at best. At least a republican will be up front about you getting the shaft. Neither parties represent average Americans anymore. We need a strong third party in America.

Damn, what a tangent that was. I'm freaking bushed. I'm willing to bet that's why I'm not making a lick of sense. You know that point where you're about to drop dead from utter exhaustion? That point where your eyelids weigh a million tons but you cant sleep a wink? That's about where I am right now. I can't seem to turn my brain off. Tomorrow is going to be fun. What the hell, what's another sleep deprived, caffeine fueled workday? If only coke were still legal like back in the early 1900's. They could offer it from vending machines just like its liquidy carbonated cousin. Reminds me of that episode of futurama where off in the corner of the scene a vending machine advertising "Refreshing Crack" breaks down on a guy right as he's trying to score his fix. Hilarious. Bender is my fucking hero.

Random person (Fry maybe? dont remember): "Why does a robot need to drink alcohol?" Bender:"Because it powers my fuel cells"
Random person: "So why are you smoking a cigar?"
Bender: "Because it makes me look cool!"

I was freaking ecstatic when I heard FOX was bringing that show back.