stuff ive learned so you dont have to!

Just a list of things ive learned over the years...I know what your thinking, "Ben, everyone does these stupid list style posts...its sooo not cool."

Oh yea? Well fuck you, mommy says im original, funny and handsome too!

...Fuckers

Anyways, on to the crappy list.

-After breaking up with a girl, always, i repeat ALWAYS lock your doors and windows. There is nothing more unsettling, and dare i say more terrifying than being confronted by your psycho ex girlfiend right when you are hopping outta the shower. In fact, keep your doors locked for a solid month just to be on the safe side...

-When in a Costa Rican bank having your American dollars changed to the local currency, never ask the bank teller to, "Mexicanize this mi amigo!" It'll get you kicked out faster than crap goes through a goose.

-Always tip the midget stripper, otherwise be prepared to recieve a flurry of small kicks to the shin.

-If you absolutely have to combine alcohol and snowboarding, make sure to do it on a day with tons of fresh powder. Trust me on this one...

-An easy and foolproof way to get back at a teacher/dick boss/annoying coworker: sign up for a bunch of free gay and beastiality porn sites using their work e-mail address. They'll get those emails till the day they die, or deal with the hassle of changing their email address.

-If you ever get pulled over for speeding, try and convince the officer that you really have to poop. The one time ive tried it, it actually worked. No bullshit. My advice, really ham it up. Go beet red in the face and act short of breath..dont oversell it though!

-When undertaking something nefarious, always have a scapegoat. (preferably someone who doesnt have a firm grasp on the english language...and besides, most people these days naturally distrust foreigners anyways!)

-Its generally a bad idea to get totally shit faced at a Christmas Eve Seahawks game, and then show up Christmas morning still kinda drunk and very hungover. Especially when your family is made up of recovering alcoholics...not to mention the Hawks losing :'(